Today I saw a friend of mine who I haven't seen and have barely spoken to in 6 months. I needed space from her (and others) back in January when I had, yet again, failed to become pregnant for what felt like the bazillionth time. I had reached rock bottom. I was crying constantly. In my bed. In the car. In the shower. As I got dressed for work. In the middle of work meetings in front of my principal. Not a pretty time in my life. In the midst of this intense heartache and helplessness, I found out that my friend was pregnant. For the second time. Since I started trying for my first. And most likely by one lucky quickie whilst their baby slept in the next room. Not the news I needed or wanted to hear. So I told her I needed space from everyone. Just to deal with things on my own without the pressure and paranoia of discovering another pregnancy from amongst my apparently very fertile friends and family.
Well, time wore on and I patched myself up emotionally. I could've talked and seen her way sooner but the longer I waited, the more difficult and awkward it became to give her a call. And the bigger her belly became. But finally today, we found the time to see each other. Along with her 19-month old son and her 7-months along protruding belly. I won't lie, It was definitely awkward and uncomfortable at times. What do you talk about with that giant elephant in the room? And me trying to avoid eye-to-navel contact with her pregnant stomach?
But we managed. Talked a bit about everything else besides the obvious. Even managed to have dinner with her family and my husband and I. Despite the moments of discomfort, I'm glad I saw her. It eased the guilt that was growing in me. And it showed me that I am much stronger than I think.
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