A New Found Hope

I am convinced that I met an angel today.

My husband and I decided to seek a second opinion from another RE. We have been with our current clinic for 2 years. But 6 serophene cycles, 5 IUIs, and 1 laporoscopy later - we are still not pregnant. I know that my current RE wants me to move onto the next step - IVF. But before we take that leap, we want to make sure that our doctor isn't missing something.

Because in my gut, I really feel that there is something that is being overlooked. Despite the fact that I respond well to meds, I have no blockages, and my husband's sperm count is normal, I am still not pregnant. And I'm just not ready to go the IVF route when all current conditions seem to be so optimal.

So my husband and I spent last night devising a two page "speech" for our consult with this new doctor. In a nutshell, we want to know WHY we are not getting pregnant despite "perfect" conditions. Is there a root cause that is being missed? Was I diagnosed properly in the first place?

So today, we entered the doctor's office with two page speech in hand. The first thing he asked me was: "So what's going on? What's the problem?" I take a deep breath and begin to delve into my speech: "Well, we've been with our current clinic for 2 years and we've tried Serophene and IU..." and the doctor quickly interrupted me with: "Wait, that is the TREATMENT you've been receiving, but what is the PROBLEM?" I was quite taken aback by that - in a good way. Before I could even get 10 seconds into my word vomit, he got to the heart of our frustrations. Not knowing what the PROBLEM is in the first place. Amazing.

So after he looked through my forms and asked me some key questions, he presented us with a few problems he wanted to investigate. First, he wants to make sure that I actually do have PCOS in the first place. Secondly, he wants to see whether I have any anatomical issues with my uterus that could be preventing implantation. Another possible root problem he mentioned was immune infertility which means that my body is basically treating my husband's sperm as a foreign body and attacking it. Lastly, he mentioned that perhaps there could be an issue with sperm DNA fragmentation, which prevents the sperm from fertilizing the egg. After he mentioned all these things, I almost wanted to cry. These were the exact issues that my husband and I have thought of over the years but was quickly dismissed by my current RE when I mentioned them to him. I've always had a gut feeling that there was something anatomically wrong with my uterus. When I had my HSG done last year, the dye kept rushing out, despite the catheter being inserted properly. My RE didn't think much of this issue and just ordered me to do a laporoscopy. But I've always wondered why it was that the dye kept rushing out. And this new doctor is finally taking these concerns seriously.

The last thing the RE said to me before we left really gave me a bit of hope. He said that the average couple takes 6-12 months to conceive. Because I rarely ovulate, I've really only "ovulated" about 10 times in the last few years. So we aren't really that far off from the average, normally ovulating couple. Really puts things in perspective.

Lesson of the day: find a doctor that really listens to you and gives you hope. I really do feel like he is a God send. What are the chances that this doctor would open up a new clinic just a few minutes from my house? And I happened to stumble upon his website just as I was losing all hope? I really hope this is the turning point for us.

Finally!

After 58 days, I finally got my period! It started out as spotting which lasted close to a week, but it has finally turned into a normal, run-of-the-mill period. Thank goodness. Although I sometimes have my doubts about acupuncture, it does seem that I am having more periods of my own making (?) since I've been receiving treatments. And I do feel a lot more content and relaxed in general so it must be a good thing to continue. Why I need to pay $79 a week for a monthly bleed and some relaxation is beyond me, but what can you do? Why I need to pay any money AT ALL for all these things that should happen naturally is quite frustrating, but I've learnt to look past that all. It is what is, and I just need to do what I need to do to get where I want to go. You know?

Limbo

Turns out I haven't ovulated after all. My wonky temperatures have fallen again and I have given up any hope for this cycle. So again I sit and wait in what feels more and more like some kind of infertility limbo. I have decided to get a second opinion from another doctor before moving on to my next (and probably final) IUI cycle. IVF is knocking (pounding) on our door and we want to seek another doctor's opinion before we take that giant step. But I need to get a referral from my family doctor to see this new doctor. And apparently this doctor is very busy. Very good, but very busy. So I wait some more. While my eggs get older and dustier. Fun stuff.

I suppose this forced break comes at a good time, if such a thing exists. I have been absolutely swamped since the new school year started. So I apologize if my blog updates are few and far in between. I really don't have much to report on anyway. But do please share what is going on with all of your journeys. I hope they are more eventful and successful than mine!

Temping Tantrum

Now that I'm taking a (forced) month off of medically induced cycling, I've sort of been taking my temperatures here and there without much thought. I'm doing it more out of force of habit than anything else. Usually my temps hover around 36.12 C or so. So imagine my surprise when I took the thermometer out of my mouth this morning to see 36.48 staring back at me. What the? I almost never ovulate on my own so seeing this temp on CD22 is a bit of a shock. Now I'm counting backwards trying to remember the last time the hubs and I BD'd last. Did we miss this miraculous egg-dropping? Did we lose our chance at a free chance to get pregnant?

Oh gosh. Fertility anxiety never ends.

Waiting

Is it just me or does it seem like this whole TTC journey is comprised of a whole lot of waiting? Waiting for your period, waiting for follicles to mature, waiting to see your doctor, the two-week wait, waiting for results, waiting, waiting, waiting... And now I am waiting, yet again. Waiting for these darn cysts to go away.

It's been a while since I blogged, so let me back up a bit. The hubs and I had a great time in Hawaii. It really helped ease the anxiety of the 2 ww. However, I was pretty bloated most of the time with a mild case of OHSS. I looked to be about 4 months pregnant. Not exactly a bikini-ready body but at least I wasn't in any sort of pain. I knew I wasn't pregnant when my OHSS symptoms started to go away towards the end of the trip. And then I REALLY knew I wasn't pregnant when I got my period full force on the last day of our trip. Extremely crampy and irritable is not exactly how one would like to spend their last day in Hawaiian paradise. So I apologize to the hubs for being a bit of a *bleep*. A sour end to our vacation, but the rest of it was so wonderful that it didn't really ruin it entirely.

So I am now on CD10 but my day 3 ultrasound revealed quite a few cysts - the biggest measuring around 5 cm and others around 2 cm. The doctor didn't want to take the risk of starting me up again on meds until the cysts resolved. So we are not doing anything this month besides trying the good ol' fashioned way. Which is pretty pointless because I very rarely ovulate or get my period on my own. But it's still worth a try, I guess. MIght as well make it a fun wait!

Welcome to the 2ww

Wow, there was a lot of word vomit spewed forth in yesterday's post. Sorry about that. I haven't seen that anxious and paranoid part of myself in a while, but I think I have almost successfully hidden her away. What's done is done and there is nothing I can do about it but be as positive as I can be.

I am now embarking on the 2ww. I've always kinda loved the 2 ww because it is the closest I can feel to being pregnant. Analyzing every symptom, picturing the little beanie that is snuggling into my womb, visualizing the moment when I find that (+) sign. Delusional, I know but I'll take what I can get. However, this wait will be a little different from others because my hubby and I are going to Hawaii next week! I'm sure there will be enough there to occupy my crazy mind, and my hubby and I are both eager to step into paradise for a week. This trip was a bit of a last minute decision and we timed it such that it would fall during this waiting period. So sort of a planned spontaneity. And it didn't hurt that we got an amazing deal on it. I've been so focused on this treatment cycle that I haven't really given myself the chance to digest the prospect of this trip. But now with nothing else to do (besides obsess about hyperstimming in a foreign place and not knowing where to go) I will refocus my energy on planning and packing.

Is it crazy that I just googled the nearest fertility clinic in Hawaii? I don't know... just in case? :)

IUI

Well, a lot has happened since my last post. I actually can't believe how quickly things have progressed in the last couple of days. So here's an update:

(and beware - at the end of this post you will find some panicky questions that I need help with):

On Sunday I had 6 follicles ranging from 1.4-1.5 (I think) in size, 3 on each side. My E2 level was getting quite high and the doc was worried about the risk of multiples so he lowered my Gonal-F dose for that night to 75, in the hopes that only the lead follicles would mature, and smaller ones would not. He also suggested that I trigger as soon as follicles reach 1.8 so that others would not catch up.

On Monday I went in to the clinic again for b/w and ultrasound and they found 2 mature follicles measuring 1.8, one on each side. There were also about 3 other follicles that were about 1.5 or 1.6 and were trying to catch up. Now, before I went in for this appointment I prepared a whole page of questions for the doctor, something I have never done. I had various questions about ovarian hyperstimulation (OHSS), ways to help prevent it (like giving a half dose of HCG trigger), and questions about my hormone levels. Well, as I sit there in the room waiting for the doctor, notepad of questions at the ready, the doctor walks in and tells me that she needs to be somewhere else. What?! She quickly looks at my chart and tells me that I have 2 follicles at 1.8 and various other slightly smaller ones. I get the feeling that she is about to tell me to wait another day when I cut in and tell her that the doctor doing rounds yesterday said that I should trigger as soon as they reach 1.8 to decrease the risk of multiples. Also, my E2 level was already getting dangerously high. Once I told her that, she stopped to think about it a bit and told me that this was "a tricky situation". After she pondered a bit, she told me that this is one of the situations where she may wish tomorrow that she triggered me today. So she told me to trigger today. I asked about OHSS and she said that I am not going to get OHSS. I didn't know that she had a crystal ball, but whatever. So I went to the nurse and got the HCG shot (this was around 10 a.m.) I asked the nurse about the potential for OHSS and she said I may get it because I have a lot of the risk factors (PCOS, thin frame, under 35 years of age, high E2 - the day of trigger E2 was 7500). I really don't care if I get OHSS. I can sit at home and deal with it. However, my hubby and I are going on vacation next week and I am really worried about being in a foreign place and not knowing what to do if things go bad with the OHSS, like having to go to the hospital and getting my abdomen drained. The nurse just told me to continue drinking Gatorade, water, and Campbell's soup. So far, I haven't been having any symptoms of it so fingers crossed it won't happen.

So today, Tuesday, I went in for my IUI around 10:30 a.m. (24 hours post HCG trigger). After the IUI I decided to lie there for 10 minutes or so, but a nurse knocked on my door and told me I could leave. I decided to stay there for 5 more minutes and gingerly walked to my car so as not to jostle any of the precious sperm. On past IUIs, fluid always leaked out after. So when I got home I lay down on the couch for about an hour. I went to my acupuncture appointment today as well, and when I got home from that I found that I did leak out quite a bit of fluid. Has anyone ever heard of a condition of fluid or sperm just not being able to stay in the uterus? Because I'm afraid I might have that. When I had an HSG (dye test) done a few years ago, the doctor was unsuccessful because while she was able to put the catheter through my cervix, the dye kept gushing out of me. Coincidentally, this is the same doctor that did my IUI today. My RE assured me that I do not have a problem with this. They did a laparoscopy on me and found everything to be fine. But I still wonder.

I should be happy that I have at least 2 eggies and hubby had 42 million washed sperm with 80% motility. But my neurotic and anxious self is peaking through the surface and I worry that hubby and I should BD tonight, even though I have another IUI scheduled for tomorrow morning. The doctor advised us not to, since my hubby will be giving another sample tomorrow. But I'm worried that the timing is off and the sperm inserted today will not make it to when I ovulate which will likely be some time tonight. And that the sperm inserted tomorrow will be too late because my eggs will have disintegrated. Does anyone know how long washed sperm live in the uterus? I am seriously considering going against doctor's advice but I feel bad if I do. So here's my question: Does this timing sound right to you? --> HCG trigger. IUI 24 hours later. Second IUI 48 hours later. BD 58 hours later. How long do washed sperm live? Do eggs live longer if more than one is released?

I'm sorry this was so drawn out and long-winded. I am freaking out a little bit even though I am trying desperately not to. The fact that I am this anxious on a day I had acupuncture is a little scary. I am usually so zen on acupuncture days.

Must calm self.